I mean I am the Grandma damn it! I made him so she wouldn't even be pregnant if it wasn't for ME!!! Why aren't you guys gushing over me???
Subject: "I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help" Previous topic | Next topic
Grammatobe Sat Jul-23-11 02:26 PM
Member since Jul 11th 2011
20 posts
#484933, "I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
My son and DIL hit the 19 week mark - as I have posted on other threads one sac has very little fluid in it. I do get once a week calls after their doc visits. I am 3.5 hours from them.
As a mother I want to talk to my son more often and hear his voice. I know how hard this is on him and even tho he's a grown man and soon to be a father, my mothering instincts want to nurture him.
He doesn't answer most of my calls or return messages and I was told today that I am starting to "bug" him.
This may sound selfish and very well could be, but the high risk pregnancy and the worry about how my son and DIL are is causing me emotional distress as it is other family members, but as a mom... I think more so.
How do I take care of my emotions and leave the parents to be to their own unless they ask more of me? Waiting 7 days to get an update is so hard and not being able to just say "hey, how are you today" is hard but it seems its too hard for my son to do more than that due to the daily life and then the stress of high risk pregnancy and preparing for 3 babies and all that goes with multiples and early delivery.
Can someone help me, even if its a kick in the rear end? Other parents of multiples, please share.. grandparents that may have experienced similar?
Thank you.
Grammatobe
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Replies to this topic
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, anxiousabuela, Jul 23rd 2011, #1
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, kimmee83, Jul 23rd 2011, #2
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, lovemy5boys, Jul 23rd 2011, #3
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, scorrin5, Jul 23rd 2011, #4
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, Celesta, Jul 23rd 2011, #5
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, smalltott, Jul 23rd 2011, #6
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, LolasLadies, Jul 23rd 2011, #7
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, 6 times blessed, Jul 23rd 2011, #8
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, Grammatobe, Jul 23rd 2011, #9
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, triplicates, Jul 23rd 2011, #10
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, LolasLadies, Jul 23rd 2011, #11
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, Megan Welfare, Jul 23rd 2011, #15
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, Celesta, Jul 23rd 2011, #13
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, Megan Welfare, Jul 23rd 2011, #14
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, julie123, Jul 24th 2011, #24
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, Megan Welfare, Jul 23rd 2011, #12
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, Grammatobe, Jul 24th 2011, #16
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, sandsstone, Jul 24th 2011, #17
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, scorrin5, Jul 24th 2011, #18
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, Kealoha12, Jul 24th 2011, #19
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, Celesta, Jul 24th 2011, #20
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, Grammatobe, Jul 24th 2011, #22
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, Celesta, Jul 24th 2011, #27
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, Megan Welfare, Jul 24th 2011, #21
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, Grammatobe, Jul 24th 2011, #25
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, Megan Welfare, Jul 24th 2011, #28
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, julie123, Jul 24th 2011, #23
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, Grammatobe, Jul 24th 2011, #26
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, loved3makes5, Jul 24th 2011, #30
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, Grammatobe, Jul 24th 2011, #33
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, Celesta, Jul 24th 2011, #35
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, Grammatobe, Jul 24th 2011, #29
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, julie123, Jul 24th 2011, #32
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, sandsstone, Jul 24th 2011, #31
RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help, asmaio, Jul 24th 2011, #34
anxiousabuela Sat Jul-23-11 02:43 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
800 posts
#484934, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 0
My son is much less communicative than my DD's. Must be a guy thing! Please back off. If you do not, your relationship is at risk. Hopefully, in the next few months, they will welcome your help, but you don't want to put strain on your relationship now. Your DS and DIL are under a lot of stress, especially with Baby A's fluid issues, and the less stress they experience from family, the better.
I know how hard it is. I do know how worried you are. I also had to come to the place where I realized that my DD was very capable and that it was their family. The babies were theirs. The pregnancy was hers. I made myself available and fortunately, I did live close enough where I could be of more help physically. When she was hospitalized, I would have loved to have spent more time there but my SIL and I worked out a system and I honored his time with her because that was important and I didn't want to intrude.
Again, perhaps focusing on some practical things like making frozen meals, going up for a Saturday and doing some cleaning (if they approve), etc. As a parent, I really do encourage you to honor their boundries. I think, if you do, you will find them to be much more willing to share. I am thinking about you and praying for baby 'A'.
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kimmee83 Sat Jul-23-11 03:04 PM
Member since Jun 07th 2011
10 posts
#484935, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 0
You're definitely walking a fine line. From the outside I can say that you're clearly a worried and supportive grandmother and want to be there in whatever way you can for your son and DIL. I know they appreciate your concern, even if they don't say it, but the stress of the situation is probably too much to talk about most of the time.
While DH and I struggled with infertility and faced loss after loss, it was incredibly difficult to talk to my mom (or anyone) about, which is why we kept it very close to ourselves. I didn't even open up to my mom until after the first year into it because I just didn't want to explain anything. Once it came out my mom would call and ask questions (there was an ocean between us so she really was out of the loop), and while I appreciated her concern it was too overwhelming at times. I wanted to deal with it between me and DH, and when I was ready to reach out to her I would. She also didn't understand what we were going through, and unless someone has been in that situation, it's impossible to completely empathize despite one's best efforts. It's hard enough living it daily and struggling to come to terms with your own reality, and then giving updates and reliving each moment is emotionally draining.
Your mothering instincts are to protect him and his husband and fathering instincts are to protect his wife and unborn children. I'm sure it's more challenging since your son isn't the one who's pregnant, kwim? They'll reach out to you when they're ready, but the harder you push the more likely they'll resist and say things like you're "bugging" him, which nobody wants to hear especially when your heart is in the best place. You are not selfish in worrying about their well-being, and there really is no right answer here. If one of my children was going through something and I wasn't being kept abreast of the situation I'd drive myself nuts.
You mentioned a hope chest and I think that's a great idea: it will give you something to focus on and be a way to stay connected to them and the babies. What about keeping a journal? I find that writing down my fears, anxieties and problems help me work through them when there isn't anyone else.
I am truly so sorry that your family is going through this and I will continue following for updates.
~Kimberlee~
Expecting GBG Triplets Fall 2011
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lovemy5boys Sat Jul-23-11 03:44 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
1797 posts
#484936, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 0
Sat Jul-23-11 03:47 PM by lovemy5boys
how about just texting him. That way there's no chit-chat that he may be getting tired of. Just info, straight to the point. A few sentences and you're satisfied. Your DIL is your son's 1st priority now. Sad, but that's just how it works. If you bug them too much you run the risk of your DIL getting annoyed and that's not what you want! I always worry about situations like this since I have 5 boys. They are young and I have many years until I get where you are but I often wonder if I'm going to have to kiss major butt to be a part of my sons' lives when they have their own family. When men get married, the woman usually has say in who watches the kiddos!
proud mom to
DS 9
DS 6
BBB 9/29/06 born @ 32w2d
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scorrin5 Sat Jul-23-11 06:05 PM
Member since Jul 18th 2005
508 posts
#484938, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 0
I haven't read the other responses but wanted to remind you to call and see how your son is doing...just him. This may sound a bit selfish and while I appreciated the calls to see how the pregnancy was going, sometimes I felt as if people forgot that I was more than just a vessel carrying 3 babies.
Make small talk to your son and try not to hound about the pregnancy. From your previous posts it sounds as if your DIL is in good hands and sometimes there is nothing else to be done other than waiting and watching. If your son wants to offer up information about the pregnancy, then he will. If not, it may be nice for him to know that someone is checking on him to see how HE is doing.
That being said, I understand this must be very hard for you & waiting for updates is tough. Hang in there and good work for being such a loving Grandma so far!!
Shiloh--Proud Mom to:
BGG born 2/04
B born 7/06
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Celesta Sat Jul-23-11 06:12 PM
Member since Jun 15th 2010
293 posts
#484939, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 0
Sat Jul-23-11 06:19 PM by Celesta
I realize you are worried, but it is time to back way off. Your DIL is fighting to keep one of her children alive. She does not need any added stress. They will share with you when they are ready.
As my own dear MIL has said many times to me, "I had my chance to raise my children, now it's your turn."
Must I tell you how much I love my MIL?
The fastest way to alienate yourself from your future grandkids is to go too far. I realize you are freaking out, but the Triplet Connection could have been a place for her to go to reach out to other triplet moms. Now that you are here, she may feel uncomfortable doing so. Think about that. Take a deep breath, then step away.
Edited to add: Don't forget that this forum is public and they could be reading this.
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smalltott Sat Jul-23-11 07:14 PM
Member since Mar 06th 2010
73 posts
#484940, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 5
I know that you are worried about them and have great concern for the baby but really all you can do is pray for them and be there if they need your help.
I would be concerned that your son and DIL are members of this board or other triplet boards. If she is like me I read all the posts to get information while I was pregnant but didn't post myself.
I personally would not want my health and the health of my unborn children discussed with others unless that was my choice. I am no way trying to sound harsh but fertility issues are very sensitive for some people.
Take care and we are all praying for them
Lisa
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LolasLadies Sat Jul-23-11 07:26 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
2474 posts
#484941, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 0
I realize you're coming from YOUR perspective, but I could never imagine someone in my family seeking out a triplet parents' forum to complain about how I was not living up to their standards during my high risk pregnancy. I'm sorry if that seems blunt, but if I discovered that that had happened, it would be a hard thing to overcome... especially during one of the hardest trials of a marriage and family.
His response to you might be a sign that he's had enough of the invasion of privacy from everyone, not necessarily just you. I had a moment like that with our girls' birth. You start to feel like a zoo exhibit. It gets exhausting trying to keep people happy in between dr appts and preparing for new babies and trying to maintain sanity and a marriage and on and on and on... while trying to reduce stress for the health of mom and the babies and have an enjoyable pregnancy.
And they're probably being bombarded with questions from people every day, even people they're not very close to (I had a former coworker's daughter - a woman I'd met twice - show up to the NICU uninvited and awkwardly hang around while my husband held the first baby at 3 days old... this precipitated me telling family members to please give us space). You have to remember that he feels he can be most honest with you since you're his mother, but odds are, you aren't the only one "pestering" him.
I bet if you approached him with THIS, it would go over better: Hi, *son*. I know I've been kind of a pest to get updates, but I think it's because I've got too much time on my hands to worry! I promise to be better about things and try to be more empathetic to how you two must be feeling. Maybe you could give me an idea of things to help you with that would keep my mind busy and feel useful? Like planning a baby shower or even collecting diapers or anything else you can think of? Love you, and give my love to *wife* and the babies!
Doesn't that sound better than: Why don't you call me more often?
Loren
GGG Jan.2005 @ 28wks
Sweetened Taters - http://sweetenedtaters.blogspot.com
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6 times blessed Sat Jul-23-11 07:32 PM
Member since Dec 17th 2008
328 posts
#484942, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 0
My MIL, love her to death, drove me crazy during my pregnancy. The last 8 weeks of my pregnance I was hospitalized and was told to prepare for the death of my daughter. I definitely did not need any extra stress but my MIL (who lives across the country) called daily and if she could not get in touch with my hubby (her son) she was calling me non-stop numerous times a day. It continued even after our 3 little ones all came home. (My daughter is truly a miracle.) It just seemed any amount of information was never enough for her and she would call and call and ask the same questions over and over. I know she meant well but it did not help the situation at all. Things are still very uneasy between us all now. Please respect their boundaries and just be happy when day 7 rolls around and you get an update. I can imagaine it is hard but what they are going through right, well words cannot even describe. My hubby had to tell her it was not about her, it was about the health of our children. It was very hard for her to hear. You sound like a very loving and caring grandmother, but remember right now it is not about you it is about the health of the babies. I am so sorry if this sounds harsh, I do not mean to be ugly in any way.
Stacey
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Grammatobe Sat Jul-23-11 08:11 PM
Member since Jul 11th 2011
20 posts
#484943, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 8
Thank you all for you input. I did find this forum so that I could learn more and not ask "them" so many questions. Seems that was something I should not have done, even with the grandparent spot.
Is there a way that I can delete my posts? I have looked but am not finding a way to do so. I'll remove my membership and I am sorry to have offended those who walk in my DIL's shoes. Its all uncharted territory for the entire family~
Thank you again for your replies and good luck to all of you and your babies/grandbabies.
Grammatobe
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triplicates Sat Jul-23-11 09:08 PM
Member since Sep 12th 2009
206 posts
#484944, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 9
I'm not offended by your presence on the forum. I think it's wonderful that you're willing to learn more about what a high-risk triplet pregnancy entails, and what life will be like for them after the babies come home.
It shows what a caring, amazing grandparent you are that you want to learn firsthand from the families who post here. It can only help to have a deeper understanding of what your son and DIL are facing.
Be mindful about sharing their details on a public forum, but other than that, I don't see any reason why you couldn't continue reading, or asking questions from the grandparent perspective. I think it would be helpful for ALL grandparents to know what kind of help is appreciated, or needed. There are lots you can do now, even from 3.5 hrs away, like making and freezing meals.
Like others have said, your son and DIL are going through an emotionally draining, indescribably challenging and stressful time right now. It's so difficult when one can't even process one's own thoughts and feelings, or answer one's own "what if?" questions, to then attempt to keep family in the loop, and answer family members' questions. Often, there are no answers and just more waiting to be had.
My family lives on another continent and I wish I had them closer, and more involved. But there's a fine line, obviously, between showing interest and being perceived as intrusive. So err on the side of caution and give them all of the space they are asking for right now. They will need help soon enough.
The less glamorous stuff is what we needed help with after the babies came home: someone to coordinate the offers of help, house cleaning, mowing the lawn, making dinners, washing bottles, packing/unpacking the dishwasher, doing laundry. The list was endless.
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LolasLadies Sat Jul-23-11 10:12 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
2474 posts
#484947, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 9
I'm not offended by your presence, either. (Your DIL might not agree, but I might ask the moderators to remove this post.) There are many many resourceful women I've met through this site (some of whom are no longer here... ahem). You might also want to mention this site to your DIL if you haven't already.
I think back to my MIL and the relationship I would've liked to have had with her - long story, she's not in our family's lives - and I can tell you that if you set up something with her ahead of time, allowing her and encouraging her to be HONEST about what kind of help they'll need now and in the future and what kind of involvement they'll want from you, it will be so much healthier for everybody. They'll need to know first and foremost that you'll respect their wishes and privacy. That goes for parenting decisions, CIO techniques, diet, shots, and millions of things in between.
And if you aren't sure, default to giving them space and time. They'll figure things out, and building a good relationship now will keep you "in the loop" later. Good luck!
Loren
GGG Jan.2005 @ 28wks
Sweetened Taters - http://sweetenedtaters.blogspot.com
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Megan Welfare Sat Jul-23-11 10:43 PM
Member since Jul 18th 2005
6587 posts
#484951, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 11
>And if you aren't sure, default to giving them space and time.
> They'll figure things out, and building a good relationship
>now will keep you "in the loop" later. Good luck!
Ditto - a much nicer way of saying what I was trying to say!
BGG born 4/25/05 at 31w1d
New baby girl born 9/19/06
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Celesta Sat Jul-23-11 10:20 PM
Member since Jun 15th 2010
293 posts
#484949, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 9
I am not offended by you being here either, but I'm not your DIL. I'm just trying to imagine if "I" had been your DIL and I came on here looking for advice and saw a vent about my husband not being attentive enough to his mother during MY high risk pregnancy and I'd be pretty ticked off.
So if you want to delete this post, go into "Edit" and just remove the text and title and we'll pretend it never happened and carry on.
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Megan Welfare Sat Jul-23-11 10:42 PM
Member since Jul 18th 2005
6587 posts
#484950, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 13
>if "I" had been your DIL and I
>came on here looking for advice and saw a vent about my
>husband not being attentive enough to his mother during MY
>high risk pregnancy and I'd be pretty ticked off.
Yeah, seriously! My sister and brother-in-law went through something like this with his mom during her problem-plagued twin pregnancy. Their relationship still struggles because of it, and the twins will be 8 years old next week.
I am SOOO thankful that my MIL's primary concern has always been SUPPORTING us, rather than her own needs. When I was in the hospital on bedrest for months, she didn't drive us nuts with her needs and concerns. She asked what things needed doing at my house and did them. She stocked my freezer. That kind of thing.
You better believe that because my MIL is so considerate of us, we choose to go out of our way to be accomodating to her as far as time with the kids and so on.
She and I are SO much closer due to her behaviour during my pregnancy and the first few years, which in turn has strengthened my marriage. She is a blessing in my life!
How can you best be a blessing to your son and DIL? (Complaining about your emotional needs during the most stressful thing they have ever been through is not the answer!)
BGG born 4/25/05 at 31w1d
New baby girl born 9/19/06
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julie123 Sun Jul-24-11 03:05 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
1732 posts
#484966, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 9
I personally don't think you should go anywhere. My mother is a member of this forum and I LOVE the ability that she has to come on here and reserach things. She had some great info for me from these forums when I was just to tired to get online myself some days.
I see some peopole said they would be offened about your posting here if they were in your DIL's shoes... I personally wouldn't, to each his own though. If you don't think it would offend your DS or DIL, PLEASE PLEASE stay.
Julie
Single mom to
Tristan Declan 4lbs 3oz
Cassandra Madison 4lbs 7oz
Ryland Markus 4lbs 2oz
Born on 9/5/06 at 32 weeks 4 days
www.our3.blogspot.com
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Megan Welfare Sat Jul-23-11 10:17 PM
Member since Jul 18th 2005
6587 posts
#484948, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 0
>This may sound selfish and very well could be, but the high
>risk pregnancy and the worry about how my son and DIL are is
>causing me emotional distress as it is other family members,
>but as a mom... I think more so.
To be perfectly honest, your son is dealing with major risks to his wife's health, a baby that may die, and 3 babies that may have serious long-term complications. Bringing up your emotional distress, as well as that of other family members and adding that to his plate is really really unfair. What kind of stress do you think HE is under? Do you really want to add to that?
I will tell you that this forum was such a godsend for me when I was pregnant and in the early years. And I commented about it to a family member, and then found out that she was searching for my posts and reading everything I wrote. I had vented, I had cried, I had worried. And I felt SO violated to have the one place where everyone truly understood what I was going through invaded by "real life" people.
The best thing you can do at this point is to focus on what THEY need, not what YOU need. Give them all the support they need, but don't add to their stress in any way. They can't handle any more. Trust me! You truly can't imagine what is like to be the parents in this situation. The horror - will one/all of my babies DIE? Will one/all of my babies be in a wheelchair for life? Will I be changing diapers on my 50 year old children when they are 80 b/c they are so disabled? How will I handle that times THREE?? What effect is this going to have on my marriage? Etc. etc. etc.
BGG born 4/25/05 at 31w1d
New baby girl born 9/19/06
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Grammatobe Sun Jul-24-11 04:29 AM
Member since Jul 11th 2011
20 posts
#484954, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 12
Well, the edit feature does not let me edit or delete.. I can see by many responses how hard this is for so many mothers... and thank you for being candid... it really helps. I am so sorry that your lives are so difficult that it has caused you such bitterness that you cannot understand a mother's concern for her son and DIL... and in that concern her trying to figure out what is the best course of action. So sad.... I came on here with love and angst in my heart and looking for answers.
Much of the bitterness that is reflected in the responses helps me navigate... I am so sorry that you who are bitter and bite at me have suffered~ I wish you all peace and happiness in your lives.. just trying to navigate a very new situation and be supportive... not sure how to go about it... and now know that the internet is not the answer.
Be well everyone~ I wish I could edit/delete, but none of the features are working... I have written to the board owners.. hopefully they will help. I am so sorry so many are bitter...so very sad~
Grammatobe
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sandsstone Sun Jul-24-11 07:33 AM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
3594 posts
#484955, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 16
We understand concern. However, drama and emotional issues from someone else is unwelcome by anyone in a high stress situation. What would be most helpful is to take your son's cues and do whatever you need to do to accommodate his wishes. It may be hard for you, being a mother never ends, but your path is clear.
Accusing the members who have walked the path of being bitter and biting you is counterproductive. It seems a bit dramatic....
Susan
Parent to GGG born 31 weeks 4 days 4/26/07
http://www.thedivinemercy.org/message
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scorrin5 Sun Jul-24-11 12:09 PM
Member since Jul 18th 2005
508 posts
#484956, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 16
Clearly you are not here to seek out answers for what is best for your son and DIL after reading your posts to the members honest answers.
Bitter...I hardly think so. Honest and up front, yes. Don't you dare assume for one moment that any of us are bitter about our lives, pregnancies or children! What a horrible thing to assume about a group of people that are trying to guide you when you sought answers from us.
Even the most unselfish, caring person/grandparent will never, ever be able to understand the worry and fear your son and DIL have right now unless they have walked in their shoes. Just try to imagine what they are going through and portray that to them and maybe your son (who I now assume to be a very patient man with you) will appreciate that and allow you to be a part of this time.
I hope that this post is able to be deleted so that your son and DIL are not exposed to your words here. But then again, I suppose they already know your true colors. After all, you were already told you were starting to "bug" your son but instead you came to us looking for answers your son himself had already answered. You better open up your eyes before you lose 5 people because your distress is more important than theirs.
Shiloh--Proud Mom to:
BGG born 2/04
B born 7/06
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Kealoha12 Sun Jul-24-11 12:10 PM
Member since Jan 11th 2008
1439 posts
#484957, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 16
Oh, sheesh, here we go again. Every time someone comes here for "advice" and they don't hear what they want to hear people are bitter.
You asked for advice, it was given to you. If you don't like it, then move on. There's no need to name call people.
Grace
B 06/03/03
BBB 05/24/08
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Celesta Sun Jul-24-11 02:24 PM
Member since Jun 15th 2010
293 posts
#484962, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 16
It's not about YOU, Granny.
Your son has gotten married and is starting his own family. He doesn't need you as a barnacle during his adult years. When you were here asking for medical advice, you were given wonderful,open, and caring advice. When you came here to vent about the soon-to-be parents, you got the smackdown, as you well needed.
I can only hope your son has the strength to put you in your place for his wife's sake. Or you'll be experiencing a level of bitterness that you cannot even begin to imagine from mere strangers on the internet.
Good luck!!!!
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Grammatobe Sun Jul-24-11 03:00 PM
Member since Jul 11th 2011
20 posts
#484964, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 20
Sun Jul-24-11 03:03 PM by Grammatobe
Ladies,
We are all mother's here and although I did not have more than one baby at a time, I do have 4 children, two of whom I am still raising. I came here as a mother who needed some guidance on how to deal with being kept at bay during a difficult life experience that my son and DIL are going thru.
My post was not a "vent" it was a request for help and guidance. A few of the first replies were honest and to the point and very much appreciated. The more replies that followed were very attacking in nature. Grandparents do matter, our feelings matter and when we live far away and rely on emails or telephone when we'd like to bring a meal, clean the house or just watch a movie or hug our kids, its hard on us too.
This is not a normal pregnancy where it is celebrated and shared, pictures are not sent, there is no shower being planned. My kids (and yes my DIL is one of my kids, I love her with all my heart) are hurting as any expectant parents would be given how difficult a multiple pregnancy is. As a mother, when they hurt, I hurt. This is natural. I think the more stressful the situation becomes, the more difficult it becomes for everyone in the family and especially the mothers of the parents to be, secondary of course to the parents to be themselves.
I have clearly hit some very raw nerves here. I have asked via email that this thread and all others that I posted be deleted. I have not heard back.
Several offended responders stated that they hoped this thread would be taken down and that it would not be read by family of mine. In honor of that, hopefully no one else will post here so that the negativity goes away. If you do care about what my children are going thru and the potential that they could read this, then please, let it go, you've all made your points and they have been heard by me. This has been a very eye opening experience for me, realizing that the parents to be of multiples and parents of multiples are nothing like parents expecting one "normal" child.
I have done what I needed to do to find support off of the internet. So, unless you feel a need to continue to attack me and perpetuate the negative direction that my question has taken this thread, then please let it go and let's hope it does get removed.
Thank you in advance,
Grammatobe
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Celesta Sun Jul-24-11 03:48 PM
Member since Jun 15th 2010
293 posts
#484970, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 22
Good job on calling your future grandkids "abnormal". If you dig yourself in a hole any deeper, you'll soon be in the Grand Canyon. Just remember that these bitter women with abnormal kids will soon be your DIL's peer group.
The fact you cannot let this thread go so that it will die and go away, proves you are gigantic drama whore. WOW! It really is all about you, isn't it? Now I bet you will not be able to stop yourself from responding and keeping this post at the top of the page, will you?
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Megan Welfare Sun Jul-24-11 02:54 PM
Member since Jul 18th 2005
6587 posts
#484963, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 16
Sun Jul-24-11 03:37 PM by Megan Welfare
> I am so
>sorry that your lives are so difficult that it has caused you
>such bitterness that you cannot understand a mother's concern
>for her son and DIL...
But based on your first posts, you AREN'T concerned about your poor DIL at all! Do you understand how risky this is for HER? You only mentioned her once you got your back up!
>As a mother I want to talk to my son more often and hear his
>voice. I know how hard this is on him and even tho he's a
>grown man and soon to be a father, my mothering instincts want
>to nurture him.
It's all about you and your son! What about her???
It really sounds like they are reaching their breaking point with the stress levels. (Most of us hit that during these pregnancies.) Many have to quit talking to everyone who upps the stress levels. Either help, or get out of the way! Those who aren't helpful have to be cut out of the loop.
You can support them best by being calm, cool, collected, and EASY TO DEAL WITH. I have to assume based on your prior responses that you are only interested in advice that confirms your current course of action, but I just have to hope that you will do what is hard for all of us - change your course/ standard behavior. It's not the easy thing to do, but it is the right thing.
You have a unique opportunity here. At the end of this journey, your relationship with your son and DIL will definitely have changed. Whether it is for the better or the worse depends on you and your behavior over the next few months.
It IS a forum of HONEST, sometimes in-your-face people. But being on the outside of your situation, we can see clearly what is harder for you to recognize as you are in the middle of it. We use strong words in hopes that it will bring you to your senses, and save your relationship with your son & DIL. It has nothing to do with bitterness on our ends! It's truly advice offered with the intent of helping, and I hope you will accept it as such.
BGG born 4/25/05 at 31w1d
New baby girl born 9/19/06
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Grammatobe Sun Jul-24-11 03:19 PM
Member since Jul 11th 2011
20 posts
#484968, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 21
Look Megan, you've posted about 3-4 times. You've made your point. I don't know what happened to you that you are assuming that I am not supporting my DIL or feeling you need to defend her, but lady, you are way off base. I've been humble here and listened now I will tell you, you are out of line and off base if you feel I do not care deeply for my DIL...
My DIL and I talk, we exchange emails and she has her mother who is just a few miles from her. I talk mostly to my son because she is the one carrying these babies, feeling their movement.. we, as mother's know that it is the ultimate and no man will ever know the depth of feeling that we experience when growing a body or more than a body inside our own.
I let her call me when she is up to it. I call my son to check in and see how he is doing emotionally (not how the babies are.. I know he'll tell me if something changes... I call to check on him and my DIL thru him because I don't want to bother her). He's not calling as much anymore and over the last week, that caused me to call more... its been discussed and worked out and in fact was before I ever made my post about being a pest...
My post was made asking hey, they need their space, I need to stop calling, what do others do when they need to give the kids their space but think about them a lot and have their own emotions that they need to deal with. As there are grandparents and obviously parents on here, I thought I might get some good advice on how to not bug them and how to deal with my own anxiety and emotions around what they are going thru. Frankly, I wish I could hug them both everyday and take every bit of their suffering away... but I can't do that because (a) I am not geographically close enough and (b) they don't want that... so excuse me for asking for some help with my own emotions, some of which are a feeling of helplessness for my children and also knowing that the pregnancy is just the beginning~
I realize to a certain degree after reading here what mothers with multiples have gone thru, are going thru, but don't forget there are people out there that care for you immensely and are hurting for you at whatever stage you may be in.... also, don't forget, this is NEW, BRAND NEW for our family and thus is takes awhile to figure out how to get emotions, actions, etc., in the right place.
So, please please let this go. You've all been heard and are repeating each other as well Megan, you've posted enough times and repeated yourself in every post. Let it go please.
Grammatobe
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Megan Welfare Sun Jul-24-11 03:54 PM
Member since Jul 18th 2005
6587 posts
#484972, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 25
>Look Megan, you've posted about 3-4 times. You've made your
>point.
>Megan, you've posted enough times
>and repeated yourself in every post. Let it go please.
I keep posting because you obviously are missing the point! I keep trying to explain it in a way that you will understand, without saying openly "you selfish woman - think about your poor son & DIL rather than yourself"! I have been kind, whether you read it that way or not. You are obviously reading in a lot of emotions that aren't intended, and aren't in my words! Fine, screw your relationship with your son & DIL, honestly it doesn't affect me or mine in any way. I have only posted in an attempt to keep your toxic attitude from destroying your relationships. An attempt to HELP. Ask anyone on here about my reputation. I am kind person who attempts to help when possible. Those who know me know you are way out of line with your assumptions. You just don't like what I have to say b/c I am telling you that you are wrong. Ask. I can't remember the last time I was involved in any drama or altercations.
>My post was made asking hey, they need their space, I need to
>stop calling, what do others do when they need to give the
>kids their space but think about them a lot and have their own
>emotions that they need to deal with. As there are
>grandparents and obviously parents on here, I thought I might
>get some good advice on how to not bug them and how to deal
>with my own anxiety and emotions around what they are going
How do you give them space? Seriously? How do you think? Do you really think the place to ask is a forum of triplet parents, most of whom have been on the receiving end of people who expect them to manage not only their own stress, but that of other family members as well? Did you really expect us all to say you were right???
Don't tell me to quit posting. When you are ready for the conversation to end, YOU quit posting! You are obviously one of those that feels that you have to have the last word, and that your age makes you the boss. Unfortunately, that's not how it works. I will not be bossed around by someone with a self-centered, holier-than-thou attitude.
BGG born 4/25/05 at 31w1d
New baby girl born 9/19/06
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julie123 Sun Jul-24-11 03:00 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
1732 posts
#484965, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 0
Is talking directly to his wife possible? Men in general just seem to be less of talkers, especially about stressful things!
Or, maybe you could suggest they start a blog and post their updates there (check out www.blogger.com). Coming from experience, it is EXHAUSTING trying ot take care of your body while preggo with triplets, and very tiresome to explain the situation/results of most recent peri visit 1000x's to all your different friends and family. Maybe a blog would help with that?
And please don't take offense to this, I mean in in the kindest way...but your emotional distress is entirely irrelevant at this point. You need to take a backseat- IMMEDIATELY.
Think about how much your stress and your worry, is adding to their stress. that is NOT something they need to be dealing with at this point. It sounds, from what you posted, that you are a basket case right now when it comes to the problems they are having with the pregnancy. Right now, your son's ONLY priority, as it should be, is to make sure that his wife is stress free and comfortable. And if that means that he has to cut you out a bit right now because you are stressing him out (which in turn WILL stress her out), then so be it.
I'm not trying to be rude, but you did ask for a kick in the rear end, and I think your in need of one...
Julie
Single mom to
Tristan Declan 4lbs 3oz
Cassandra Madison 4lbs 7oz
Ryland Markus 4lbs 2oz
Born on 9/5/06 at 32 weeks 4 days
www.our3.blogspot.com
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Grammatobe Sun Jul-24-11 03:29 PM
Member since Jul 11th 2011
20 posts
#484969, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 23
Thank you Julie so very, very much~ Yes, I am a bit of a basket case at this time... or at least was for a few weeks and it doesn't take a whole lot of butt kicking (and there is way more than necessary at this time here) for me to "get it."
Your post is kind and to the point. My son is wonderful as he is taking care of his beautiful wife and he does set boundaries for both their well being.
All will be fine and hopefully everyone here realizes that enough has been shared.
Thank you again for your kind approach at the kick in the rear. One of the best posts and frankly could have been the only one. Every notice when you scream and yell and put your kids down if you are reprimanding that the results are never as positive as when you speak calmly and allow them to maintain their dignity thru the butt kicking? I've been a mom for 29 years and when you strip someone of their dignity when reprimanding... so many points can be lost~ Thank you for allowing me my dignity while sharing your opinion.. I admire that~
Grammatobe
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loved3makes5 Sun Jul-24-11 04:31 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
768 posts
#484976, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 26
Sun Jul-24-11 04:36 PM by loved3makes5
One thing you must realize about this forum: When you ask them to be brutally honest--they WILL be brutally honest. Plus when you are reading something you may be hearing a tone of voice that wasn't intended. Don't choose to be upset--take whatever info you think you should and carry on--the rest isn't worth you getting upset over.
Without really knowing your son and DIL no one can really give the correct advice because we don't know their personalities. We only know what we experienced and how we felt about it and that's what we can tell you--some of us are bitter, some of us aren't. For instance--if someone had asked me to blog all my personal stuff I would have been horrified because I'm a private person and it irritates me when I have a worry and someone downplays it by saying "Such and such had that when they were pregnant and the baby was fine. It no big deal."
You really have to just care for you son and DIL the best you can and accept whatever info THEY are willing to share with you.
Good luck to you and your family.
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Grammatobe Sun Jul-24-11 04:46 PM
Member since Jul 11th 2011
20 posts
#484980, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 30
I have learned the brutally honest part quickly and I won't be here anymore as the brutal part is not healthy.
Thank you for your warm wishes and you hit the nail on the head with no one really knows the personalities involved and it just cannot be explained in text form....
Take care,
Grammatobe
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Celesta Sun Jul-24-11 08:27 PM
Member since Jun 15th 2010
293 posts
#484985, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 33
You.just.can't.stop.posting, can you? What are the voices saying to do?
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Grammatobe Sun Jul-24-11 04:25 PM
Member since Jul 11th 2011
20 posts
#484974, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 23
Julie,
My youngest son is down visiting with family and my son and DIL is where he is right now. I had the opportunity to chat with her and we exchanged some heartfelt emotions and conversation. Thank you. She is resting and doing well. Her mother is also having a difficult time with the risks her own daughter is facing.
We will hear again next week how all is going with them.
After talking with her today I realize how much energy was expended her that didn't need to be. She is a fabulous and relaxed human being and you are right, she is easier to talk to than my son. We finished with I love you's and we'll talk soon.
Thank you again~
Grammatobe
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julie123 Sun Jul-24-11 04:46 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
1732 posts
#484979, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 29
Glad to hear you were able to chat with her. I can completely understand how stressed and worried you are. But at the same time, you need to make sure that they aren't picking up on it, and that you are taking out that stress and worry somewhere else.
As far as the responses on this thread... yes, there were a few that had me scratching my head. But for about 98% of them, I think you are just super sensitive right now and read into them too much, or took them with a certain "tone" that I don't think the poster was intending to relay. Afterall, you did ask for honesty and a kick in the rear . People were just trying to relay their different experiences and point of views.
I personally think there is NOTHING more valuable that you can take from this thread (and a few other topics on the forum)
than reading the posts/experiences/opinions of other women and their MIL's so you can learn what TO do and what NOT TO DO!!! I know it must be so hard to just stand by and feel helpless, I can't imagine. But one of the others put it perfectly when she shared how her relationship with her MIL was strengthened because her MIL was there to take car of things, asked how she could help and then just did it. I realize you are a few hrs away so its harder for you, but still, take from it what you can and make it work for you. And because of that, she is VERY liberal with the grandparents in their lives.
Maybe, to alleviate some of the conversations being so repetative (honestly it was the #1 reason I started my blog!), is that maybe you and HER mother could converse more often? I don't know if you are already, but surely the two of you can understand, more than anyonelse, the stress and worry that you are experiencing.
Instead of bottling it up and then un-intentionally letting your son "feel" some of it (we are human and even if you try not to, your son WILL pick up on your worry and stress), use eachother (you and HER mother) as sounding boards. Just a thought...
I hope you stay, I hope you continue to post your questions. That's what this forum is for and as far as I know, grandparents are always welcome.
Julie
Single mom to
Tristan Declan 4lbs 3oz
Cassandra Madison 4lbs 7oz
Ryland Markus 4lbs 2oz
Born on 9/5/06 at 32 weeks 4 days
www.our3.blogspot.com
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sandsstone Sun Jul-24-11 04:46 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
3594 posts
#484978, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 0
>As a mother I want to talk to my son more often and hear his
>voice. I know how hard this is on him and even tho he's a
>grown man and soon to be a father, my mothering instincts want
>to nurture him.
>
We are kindly but firmly saying it is time to take a back seat and let your son be an adult. By his own comments, your method of nurturing him is not what he wants.
>He doesn't answer most of my calls or return messages and I
>was told today that I am starting to "bug" him.
>
This is saying...Mom, you have gone beyond what I can tolerate and when you aren't getting the message from my ignoring you...I will have to be blunter and tell you to stop.
>This may sound selfish and very well could be, but the high
>risk pregnancy and the worry about how my son and DIL are is
>causing me emotional distress as it is other family members,
>but as a mom... I think more so.
If you are so distressed, please seek professional help. You will need to be at your best no matter what the outcome of the PG. Please seek help so you can get past the distress.
>
>How do I take care of my emotions and leave the parents to be
>to their own unless they ask more of me?
It is the unfortunate lot of a parent to nervously wait for the outcome, however, if you feel it is more than you can handle, please seek professional help.
>
>Waiting 7 days to
>get an update is so hard and not being able to just say "hey,
>how are you today" is hard but it seems its too hard for my
>son to do more than that due to the daily life and then the
>stress of high risk pregnancy and preparing for 3 babies and
>all that goes with multiples and early delivery.
Now this comment seems like you are being selfish. Though it is hard, this is what your son is asking of you. Passive aggressive/sarcastic statements about the situation again make it seem like you are focused on you and your issues with the pregnancy.
>
>Can someone help me, even if its a kick in the rear end?
>Other parents of multiples, please share.. grandparents that
>may have experienced similar?
>
Don't ask for a kick in the pants if you just want ideas on how to get them to give you more info. When you got it you weren't too happy about it.
Susan
Parent to GGG born 31 weeks 4 days 4/26/07
http://www.thedivinemercy.org/message
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asmaio Sun Jul-24-11 08:01 PM
Member since Sep 09th 2008
1019 posts
#484983, "RE: I am Driving the Parents to Be Crazy - Help"
In response to Reply # 0
I won't rehash what everybody else has said - which I agree with - but to offer a different suggestion on how to get more info.
You said that your DIL's mother lives close by and is helping. Have you reached out to her to get more info? I know that my MIL and mom spoke occasionally during my pregnancy. They were able to confirm amongst themselves that they were in fact all getting the same details, and then they could talk to each other about how we sounded when we last spoke to them, how they thought we were holding up, etc. etc. They were both happy (neither of them lived near us), and didn't cause us any extra stress.
I would suggest not calling your DIL for info, if you're getting it from your son, unless your son has a history of not giving all the details. My husband would tell his sister about our appointment, and barely 24 hours later she'd send me an e-mail asking how it went, because she didn't believe he had told her everything. It was very annoying for me - because of our situation (one of our girls only had a 50% chance of surviving birth) - it wasn't something we wanted to talk about all the time. Telling the story repeatedly was exhausting.
Amy
Amy
Julia, ^Caitlin^ & Gabrielle
Visit us at http://onealaskanmom.wordpress.com
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