(another one I got in email)
Catw3kittens
Tue Sep-13-05 04:57 PM
Member since Jul 18th 2005
1871 posts
#1442, "Vast Uncertainties"
Tue Sep-13-05 04:59 PM by Catw3kittens
I have been considering and reconsidering things since last week. I'm not sure how many saw the ugly flame war that followed my post about being attacked by the woman who misunderstood completely and thought that I had left my babies unattended and locked in a sealed vehicle. But it got very nasty, and culminated with a comment being made about how much more manageable things were for me since I was only managing "two toddlers, not three." I was basically reamed as an incompetent mother with no excuses because I don't have all three of my babies. It was one of the most awful experiences I have had in a long time.
After making the comment, the poster then ridiculed me as misquoting her and commented about my signature line, indicating that some of them were suffering in silence instead and basically accusing me of being melodramatic in retaining the signature line in memory of Carina. Of course, I got a lot of private mails from people who were not willing to get involved in the thread but were so sorry and appalled at what had been said to me.
Of course, the whole thing was capped off by another person bumping up a write-up of the "I'm Leaving TC" sequence -- in response to this thread. This got posted after I completely stopped responding, and I felt like it was intended as a dig or goad to try to get me to leave.
Frankly, I have been so very hurt by this that I got a bit snotty with some of the same people on Friday, and I've pretty much stopped commenting on anything unless it relates to one of my good friends.
Anyway, I find that my grief is really hitting me again because the people who needed to put me down based upon my only having two babies have finally said the thing that I have always felt so deeply in my heart. I don't belong here. I'm not one of them. I paid the price and I walked away without my complete set of triplets. I long not only for Carina, but for their triplet-ness.
Since the comment has been made, I see the posts asking about how one does this, that or the other thing with triplets, and I have some great ideas and experiences in dealing with my babies all by myself, but I haven't responded. It's like my costume has been ripped off and I'm standing here exposed as some sort of fraud for pretending that I'm really a triplet mom whereas I am "only managing two toddlers, not three."
I'm wondering why I've bothered hanging on to this, and why I still cringe when people refer to my children as "twins." I'm wondering why I am sitting here weeping. I even noticed that I posted and then retracted my post because my expression of pain was just too raw -- and, as soon as I posted on the Bereaved Parents site, a whole herd came over to read my withdrawn post. It's like I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. I never thought I could feel this way at TC.
I don't want to lose this connection. My friends at TC have been so good to me, including all of my friends with three babies. But do they really understand? I just don't know.
I am so terribly upset about all of this. Talking with Steff sort of helped, and sort of hit me square in the face with the truth -- there's a part of me that is suffering from "triplet envy." Yes, I'm going through FET and YES I want another set of triplets. And this time I want to leave with all of my babies coming home with me.
I am just so incredibly sad right now. What am I missing? Please tell me what I'm doing wrong. Or, even just give me some suggestions that will help me to feel better.
You guys mean the world to me and I know how terrible this must sound to my friends who lost not just one baby, but two or even three. I must sound incredibly selfish and thoughtless not to be joyful and grateful for the two babies I have. I am grateful for them and I love them to pieces. It's just that there is still this enormous, gaping hole.
Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.
It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.
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Replies to this topic
RE: Vast Uncertainties, mylostboys, Sep 13th 2005, #1
RE: Vast Uncertainties, Catw3kittens, Sep 13th 2005, #2
RE: Vast Uncertainties, 7mozzas, Sep 13th 2005, #3
RE: Vast Uncertainties, Catw3kittens, Sep 13th 2005, #6
RE: Vast Uncertainties, fivenelli, Sep 13th 2005, #4
RE: Vast Uncertainties, Catw3kittens, Sep 13th 2005, #5
RE: Vast Uncertainties, steff, Sep 13th 2005, #8
RE: Vast Uncertainties, paham3, Sep 13th 2005, #7
RE: Vast Uncertainties, wamjet, Sep 13th 2005, #9
mylostboys
Tue Sep-13-05 05:26 PM
Member since Aug 29th 2005
22 posts
#1445, "RE: Vast Uncertainties"
In response to Reply # 0
Cat,
First let me say that I am sitting here sobbing. Not just for the ignorance of others, but for the fact that you may make the decision to no longer be here with us. I know I am not very close to you, but in the short time I've been here, you jumped in right after me and held my hand.
I have been through the anger of people calling Allen and Jesse (before he passed) twins, and now I have one. It's not wrong to want to shout it from the rooftops that our babies are infact triplets. The reason it took me so long to come here is that I thought I didn't belong because of our loss, but you as well as many others (here in this forum) welcomed me with open arms. What will happen when another mother or father gets the sand to come here, and you aren't here to share your wisdom, and support?
It is so awful at how your post was reacted to. I couldn't believe it really. Please don't let the ignorance of other people push you out of TC. You are not doing anything wrong Cat. You are missing your precious gift, and like you've told me, there is nothing wrong with that. It's alright to want the "triplet-ness." What is selfish is that another mother believes she is better that you because she has 3 and you have 2, and to go on that you can handle managing better that her because of that fact. That is selfish, not you Cat.
I don't know what to say to make you feel better, Cat. And maybe I am no better than others due to the small rant I let out here, but please don't leave TC.
You have been there for me, a perfect stranger, and others here. I hope I can be here for you now. I wish I could make you feel better with the blink of an eye.
One thing I can do is tell you that you are not selfish, and you don't come off ungreatful for your children. You are a wonderful person Cat, and a great friend.
Please let me know if I can do anything.
Faye
momma to bbb @ 23 wks
Jesse James ^i^
Wyatt James ^i^
Allen James 19 months and counting
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Catw3kittens
Tue Sep-13-05 05:39 PM
Member since Jul 18th 2005
1871 posts
#1447, "RE: Vast Uncertainties"
In response to Reply # 1
Faye:
I haven't said the infamous "I'm leaving TC..." line. It's just that I feel so empty about this and so hurt. The truth is that that thread simply noted what I have felt all along -- like some kind of fraud for even being here. And the thing is that the only reason that I feel this way is because my baby died -- what a horrible reason for losing connection with an entire group of people that you have shared this incredible journey with.
I appreciate your concern for me, and your prayers. BTW, you have my e-mail address, and I think you even have my telephone number (for my office, that is, until I get my cell number transferred to a new phone)! And, if you don't, please let me know. I also consider us to be friends.
Love,
Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.
It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.
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7mozzas
Tue Sep-13-05 06:31 PM
Member since Jul 18th 2005
628 posts
#1448, "RE: Vast Uncertainties"
In response to Reply # 0
Tue Sep-13-05 06:33 PM by 7mozzas
Cat,
I adore you to pieces!
I hope you don't let one rotten apple spoil it here for you.
You do belong here. Remember that saying, it goes:
"Once a triplet mom, always a triplet mom."
That's what you are, and always will be.
With regards to that horrible woman who threatened to call CPS on you, forget her! Seriously! There is one in every crowd. Again, some people have nothing better to do with their time. Plus, usually people like that have very unhappy lives.
I think we need to seriously get-together again and have some fun, as in blow off some steam!
Pizza on me, boy that was delic!
Huge hugs,
7mozz
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Catw3kittens
Tue Sep-13-05 07:38 PM
Member since Jul 18th 2005
1871 posts
#1451, "RE: Vast Uncertainties"
In response to Reply # 3
I love you, J. Please don't ever forget it. You have been precious to me for as long as I've had my children. Bless you.
Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.
It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.
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fivenelli
Tue Sep-13-05 06:34 PM
Member since Jul 18th 2005
95 posts
#1449, "RE: Vast Uncertainties"
In response to Reply # 0
I am so very sorry that you were so hurt by the exchange. But the thing that you seem to be missing is that you saw what you wanted (or didn't want) to see in the post about "two, not three". It touched a nerve in you because of what you have been through, not because of the original poster's intention. It does both of you a disservice to assume such malice.
That being said, I don't think that anyone here would deny that you are a triplet mom or say that you don't belong. There may be people who disagree with you on other subjects, but I sincerely doubt that anyone here wants you to leave because they think you don't belong. You've made it clear that sometimes you feel that way, but I don't believe that anyone here is so heartless toward others as to feel that way themselves.
I hope that you can find some peace on this matter as it relates to the TC board and I also hope that you can see that I am not trying to attack you.
I wish you peace.
Jeanne
Mommy to Frank, Grace & Sarah 1/18/02
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Catw3kittens
Tue Sep-13-05 07:01 PM
Member since Jul 18th 2005
1871 posts
#1450, "RE: Vast Uncertainties"
In response to Reply # 4
Tue Sep-13-05 07:36 PM by Catw3kittens
I have sent an email to Jeff and asked that he pull this thread from the forum.
Please forgive me for putting this topic into the waters again.
Love,
Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.
It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.
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steff
Tue Sep-13-05 11:48 PM
Member since Jul 18th 2005
331 posts
#1453, "RE: Vast Uncertainties"
In response to Reply # 4
I don't think "malice" is so much the issue as is a thoughtless, flippant remark. I am the first person to make really stupid comments that are made astronomically worse by the situation in which I happen to have made them. When this happens, however, I do apologize to those offended rather than condemn them for taking offense. The situation we're talking about certainly could have ended better.
A triplet mom sees what she wants in the "I'd shoot myself if it was me" because she's in a different frame than the person who made the comment. I don't believe those people truly want to shoot themselves. But just as we would prefer to educate and often come here to vent because we've taken offense, Cat understandably took offense at the comment and said so in an effort to educate the person who posted. When she spoke about the offense she took at one comment, she was slapped with the whole discussion about the signature line. I took deep, personal offense at that post and would have commented myself, but I couldn't come up with anything civil to say.
Steff
Mom to
Triplet Angels:
^West^, ^Keaton^, ^Rebecca^ b/d 1/6/04
Adopted Surviving Triplets:
Maria & Astrid 4/7/04
Missing their sister ^Maria Jose^ 4/7/04-5/7/04
And Singleton Sweetie:
Adam 2/20/05
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paham3
Tue Sep-13-05 09:09 PM
Member since Jul 18th 2005
165 posts
#1452, "RE: Vast Uncertainties"
In response to Reply # 0
Cat,
I did not see that string as I do not visit the forum as often as I used to. However, I have read many postings of yours in the past and you are a bright woman and clearly a loving mother. Please do not allow an unkind poster to make you stop visiting a forum that you have contributed so much support and insight to. Of course you belong here; you know that. You are a mother of triplets and your children are triplets. Think about what you would say if you read your own post. You have every right to be hurt. There are some really unsupportive, argumentitive members on this forum these days, which is part of the reason that I don't visit as often. This is the last place that you should be faced with that sort of heartache. We are family of families who have shared the uncommon blessing of being pregnant with triplets, and the fragility that comes along with that blessing. My heart goes out to you. Surround yourself with supportive folks and disregard the rest. People who take an oppurtunity to help and be supportive and turn it into an oppurtunity to hurt and judge have some real problems; ignore them Cat.
I am thinking of you...
Peggy
mom to
Tricia 19
Lyndsay 18
Sydney 12
Millie 10 and
Robert, Julian and Max 9/2/03 @ 36wks
http://lilypie.com>
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wamjet
Tue Sep-13-05 11:58 PM
Member since Jul 18th 2005
72 posts
#1454, "RE: Vast Uncertainties"
In response to Reply # 0
Oh, Cat, please don't go or think you don't belong. I don't belong here (in Bereaved Parents), but I have gained great wisdom in how to be there for family members and gleaned some great advice from you just today. Seriously, TC would not be the same without you. Thank you, thank you for your timely advice, sense of humor, and intelligence. Three lacking qualities in the world today!
And the weird thing is, it never occured to me that you "don't belong" here. You are a triplet mom. Carina is just waiting for us in Heaven - can't wait to meet her. Maybe she's playing with my niece, Madison. Her only day on earth was this coming Friday. I never carried her, never met her, but miss her all the same. Your grief must be unimaginable. Please stay.
With love and gratitude from a "stranger",
Julie
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