Subject: "Mother's day vent" Previous topic | Next topic
feistylioness78
Sun May-11-08 05:09 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
500 posts
#348564, "Mother's day vent"
I was thinking more about it today and I am extremely annoyed. DH's mom did not take his son this weekend because she wanted her mother's day. Well what about my mother's day? She has had many and this is my first official one and I have to deal with a child that does not listen and or respect me at all what so ever. I don't get to enjoy it all because I have to listen to him whine and throw fits because he does not get his way. Some mother's day. I know I sound bitter and I am in a way. I am tired of people telling me that we should have bonded already, but they are not in my shoes. DH and his mother have been around him all his life and are one of the reasons he acts the way he does. It is hard to bond with a child that constantly behaves the way he does. They don't get how frustrating it is to have a child not listen to you at all and them act up when he doesn't get his way. I am so done with the whining and the temper tantrums. His behavior stresses me out everyday. There is no end to it. Its hard enough when your own child doesn't behave let alone taking care of someone else's. DH says happy mother's day although you aren't my mother. Well I am the mother to his children and raising another that is not mine. Where is his appreciation for what I do everyday? I hope you all have a nice mother's day. I am going to inform DH that one of the days this week is mine and I am finally taking a day off to enjoy myself. I told him I was going to get my hair cut for mother's day and he tells me to take Justin with me so that he can get his cut too. I told him he can take him to get is hair cut. When women get the hair cut it is not a ten minute cut. I want to be able to try and enjoy myself. Well I get some peace and quiet I got tired of his whining and put him down for a nap. Once I stepped into the picture grandma pretty much stepped out and some how her grandson become my responsibility. Further more I hope Justin's mom rots in @#$% for what she did. She has so far abandoned two children. He should be with he today and not here with me. She doesn't provide for him at all.
Big brother Justin 8/04
Our little angel ^Alex Joseph^ 1.2 (11-4/11-5)
Brennan Matthew 1.3
Christian Jacob 2.4
Born 11/04/07
http://www.myspace.com/346442072
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Replies to this topic
RE: Mother's day vent, 3D Montana Mama, May 11th 2008, #1
RE: Mother's day vent, Bernie, May 11th 2008, #2
RE: Mother's day vent, catybarra, May 11th 2008, #3
RE: Mother's day vent, feistylioness78, May 11th 2008, #4
RE: Mother's day vent, Bernie, May 11th 2008, #5
RE: Mother's day vent, feistylioness78, May 11th 2008, #7
RE: Mother's day vent, mw, May 11th 2008, #18
RE: Mother's day vent, feistylioness78, May 11th 2008, #19
RE: Mother's day vent, lovemy5boys, May 11th 2008, #6
RE: Mother's day vent, feistylioness78, May 11th 2008, #8
RE: Mother's day vent, soccermom, May 11th 2008, #9
RE: Mother's day vent, lovemy5boys, May 11th 2008, #38
RE: Mother's day vent, Hennetrips, May 11th 2008, #10
RE: Mother's day vent, 3D Montana Mama, May 11th 2008, #11
RE: Mother's day vent, NCtripmom, May 11th 2008, #12
RE: Mother's day vent, feistylioness78, May 11th 2008, #14
RE: Mother's day vent, NCtripmom, May 11th 2008, #15
RE: Mother's day vent, feistylioness78, May 11th 2008, #17
RE: Mother's day vent, 4kds4me, May 11th 2008, #33
RE: Mother's day vent, jonib, May 11th 2008, #13
RE: Mother's day vent, feistylioness78, May 11th 2008, #16
RE: Mother's day vent, Missys3, May 11th 2008, #23
RE: Mother's day vent, feistylioness78, May 11th 2008, #27
RE: Mother's day vent, Missys3, May 11th 2008, #31
RE: Mother's day vent, feistylioness78, May 11th 2008, #32
RE: Mother's day vent, Missys3, May 11th 2008, #35
RE: Mother's day vent, feistylioness78, May 11th 2008, #40
RE: Mother's day vent, MMM26, May 12th 2008, #47
RE: Mother's day vent, lovemy5boys, May 11th 2008, #43
RE: Mother's day vent, kb6407, May 11th 2008, #20
RE: Mother's day vent, feistylioness78, May 11th 2008, #21
RE: Mother's day vent, MMM26, May 11th 2008, #22
RE: Mother's day vent, feistylioness78, May 11th 2008, #29
RE: Mother's day vent, Missys3, May 11th 2008, #37
RE: Mother's day vent, Mom23in2003, May 11th 2008, #41
RE: Mother's day vent, feistylioness78, May 11th 2008, #44
RE: Mother's day vent, Mom23in2003, May 11th 2008, #45
RE: Mother's day vent, feistylioness78, May 11th 2008, #46
RE: Mother's day vent, Tasha, May 12th 2008, #52
RE: Mother's day vent, ejhjbh, May 12th 2008, #53
RE: Mother's day vent, LolasLadies, May 11th 2008, #24
RE: Mother's day vent, 3petes, May 11th 2008, #25
RE: Mother's day vent, LolasLadies, May 11th 2008, #26
RE: Mother's day vent, Megan Welfare, May 11th 2008, #28
RE: Mother's day vent, feistylioness78, May 11th 2008, #30
RE: Mother's day vent, Missys3, May 11th 2008, #34
RE: Mother's day vent, feistylioness78, May 11th 2008, #39
RE: Mother's day vent, NCtripmom, May 12th 2008, #50
RE: Mother's day vent, MSTAR, May 11th 2008, #36
RE: Mother's day vent, feistylioness78, May 11th 2008, #42
RE: Mother's day vent, kylamel, May 12th 2008, #48
RE: Mother's day vent, ejhjbh, May 12th 2008, #49
RE: Mother's day vent, lsmiller, May 12th 2008, #51
RE: Mother's day vent, mw, May 12th 2008, #54
3D Montana Mama
Sun May-11-08 05:36 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
595 posts
#348575, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 0
Sun May-11-08 05:43 PM by 3D Montana Mama
It must be terrible to be a little boy whom nobody wants and apparently nobody loves. Of course he acts up, because he knows that is the only way anyone will pay any attention to him at all. I feel so sorry for him!
I never get involved in your posts, but YOU NEED TO GROW UP. Life has been hard on you, but this little boy is just a little kid and he needs someone in his life to be his advocate. He desperately needs someone to love him and to want him. His mother abandoned him; his father neglects him; his grandmother doesn't want him; and you don't want him or like him either!
If you don't want to do it, find someone who will. He is really at risk here and this upsets me terribly. Send him to me. I would be happy to adopt him and he would fit right into my household full of little boys!
I am sorry you are having a hard day~hopefully life will improve for you soon....
Cynthia
DS-7/99
BBB born 8/04 at 31 4/7 weeks
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Bernie
Sun May-11-08 05:40 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
101 posts
#348577, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 1
I kind of agree with Cynthia here. This little man isn't even 4 yet and his mum and dad aren't interested in him. Perhaps if you tried showing him some love, even if you have to fake it, his behaviour would improve because he thinks that someone is taking notice of him. he is only a baby, and although it may feel like it, he's not acting up because he hates you, but because no one wants him, poor little boy.
I do appreciate that you are using this board to have a rant about how unfair things are, but I would like you to look at things from this little boy's perspective.
UK mum to Aaron 15, and Jasper, Eleanor & Nathaniel 9 born 17/3/99 33wks2days
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catybarra
Sun May-11-08 06:05 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
869 posts
#348579, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 0
Mother's Day is for being honored as a mother. You chose to be his step-mother the day that you took your DH into your life. That boy has enough hardship on his plate as it is with new babies in your life. Mother's Day is not a free ride day, it's when children and families honor a mother for being a MOTHER!
I have been all around town with my four kids today. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be a mother.
I truly hope that your step-son feels that he is loved by someone.
Cathy
Come visit us at http://www.leighaandthetriplets.blogspot.com/
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feistylioness78
Sun May-11-08 06:16 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
500 posts
#348581, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 3
He isn't neglected and he acts up because no one has ever told him no. There is a difference. He doesn't get his way he throws a fit. All I am saying is that his true family needs to step up to the plate more because I shouldn't have to be doing it all. So, try to have a little understanding of where I am coming from.
Big brother Justin 8/04
Our little angel ^Alex Joseph^ 1.2 (11-4/11-5)
Brennan Matthew 1.3
Christian Jacob 2.4
Born 11/04/07
http://www.myspace.com/346442072
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Bernie
Sun May-11-08 06:20 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
101 posts
#348582, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 4
I am having a little understanding. You've had this little boy who is difficult foisted upon you when you've also got triplets to deal with. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like his true family will step up to the plate with him. You could actually be his saving grace. I know it shouldn't be up to you, but you may be the only solid thing in his life at the moment. I will also say that age 3 is a particularly challenging age in a child and it was most definitely the hardest bit with my threesome. Put boundaries in place whilst he's with you, show him some love and I bet that you'll see improvements when he's with you. You have a massive opportunity to turn a little boy's life around. I appreciate that it is a massive responsibility which shouldn't be yours, but that's just the way things are at the moment.
UK mum to Aaron 15, and Jasper, Eleanor & Nathaniel 9 born 17/3/99 33wks2days
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feistylioness78
Sun May-11-08 06:27 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
500 posts
#348586, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 5
I give him boundaries and rules and then I get accused of being mean not to mention the fact that his dad never follows through, so any progress that is made is quickly lost. All I want is for him to start listening and stop throwing so many unnecessary fits and then it will be a lot easier and less stressful. There are days where I just want to pull my hair out. He is even more whiney when dad is home because he knows that he will most likely be given in to. I tell him to stop doing something and he runs to daddy. The fits he throws are what a 1.5 yr old would do not a child who is about to be four soon.
Big brother Justin 8/04
Our little angel ^Alex Joseph^ 1.2 (11-4/11-5)
Brennan Matthew 1.3
Christian Jacob 2.4
Born 11/04/07
http://www.myspace.com/346442072
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mw
Sun May-11-08 08:36 PM
Member since Jul 18th 2005
3280 posts
#348619, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 7
Sun May-11-08 08:44 PM by mw
The biggest fits I had from my kids were when they were three years old. It is an extremely challenging age. My boys were very tough from 2.5-4yrs old and even now will occasionally have tantrums (at six years old).
I'm sorry you weren't able to enjoy your mother's day. You may want to consider parenting classes - Love and Logic maybe? I know that this isn't your child - biologically - I get that but he is a child! To whom will he turn?
My cousin is a foster parent. She treats every single one of her foster children as though they were her own - the children deserve that. Every child deserves to feel loved and wanted. Every child should be worry-free.
You are in a very unusual situation from what I've figured out - you and your dh have only been together for a year. It seems as though you both have a whole lot you need to figure out. You do not have the luxury of a couple of child-free years in which to do so. You have three children that are counting on you both to put them first - not a situation you imagined, I suspect, but here it is.
I don't know if your step-son has true behavioral problems or if he's a normal three-year-old boy, as I said before, it's a difficult age. I know that you have your surviving triplets as well. I really hope that you seek help in dealing with your situation so that you are better able to cope with all you have on your plate.
Consider reading 1-2-3 Magic and speaking with you dh about a unified parenting plan. Let him have input as well - talk and listen - even if you have to go to a counselor to facilitate the discussion.
I've not responded to you before and I don't know that I will again. I just hope that you find help and a way to deal with a child that deserves to feel loved. It is not his fault that he is in this situation.
Marie
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feistylioness78
Sun May-11-08 08:40 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
500 posts
#348621, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 18
When do they grow out of it. These aren't just little fits either they are the I am going to scream and kick because I am not getting my way fits. He doesn't listen to my friend either so it not just me. I think it is a woman thing. One reason why DH needs to be more respectful to me or Justin is going to think behaving the way he does is normal. There is a bigger picture I just posted about a small part of it.
Big brother Justin 8/04
Our little angel ^Alex Joseph^ 1.2 (11-4/11-5)
Brennan Matthew 1.3
Christian Jacob 2.4
Born 11/04/07
http://www.myspace.com/346442072
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lovemy5boys
Sun May-11-08 06:26 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
698 posts
#348585, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 0
Sun May-11-08 06:30 PM by lovemy5boys
How sad for that little boy to know that nobody wants him around. Whether or not you say it, he can still feel it. He's obviously been through a lot and is not capable of expressing his feelings the way adults would. Who has taught him how to do anything other than whine and cry? He's probably acting the only way he knows how. It's not his fault. IMO, I think you shouldn't be saying that he's not YOUR child. You married his dad, so he IS yours. Imagine how you would feel if someone was talking about "your" child like this. Sad.
Edited to add: I just read your response. "His TRUE family" All I can say is !
proud mom to
DS 6
DS 3
BBB 9/29/06
www.juststopandthink.com
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feistylioness78
Sun May-11-08 06:34 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
500 posts
#348587, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 6
Sun May-11-08 06:39 PM by feistylioness78
Actually we are not married and technically he is not my child. I have been in his life for a year and he still doesn't listen and he doesn't give me any respect either but that is his father's fault for the way he is around me at times. The way he behaves causes problems in the overall relationship because his father doesn't see a problem or his grandmother for that matter. He is spoiled and thinks he should always have his way. If the boys were old enough and acted like this I would have a issues with it also, but I plan on raising them with rules and boundaries. It was some of you who brought it to my attention that I am not and should not be 100% responsible for a child that is not mine. It was mentioned in another post back when I was not going to the hospital all the time. It would be nice if his family would realize and appreciate what I have been doing. Once they decided that I was ok they made him my responsibility, most families don't turn their grandchildren over to someone they have known for only two months. No matter what you may think my vent is pretty justifiable. Raising someone else's child is not easy especially one with behavior problems.
Big brother Justin 8/04
Our little angel ^Alex Joseph^ 1.2 (11-4/11-5)
Brennan Matthew 1.3
Christian Jacob 2.4
Born 11/04/07
http://www.myspace.com/346442072
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soccermom
Sun May-11-08 07:04 PM
Member since Feb 22nd 2008
44 posts
#348591, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 8
Feisty,
First of all let me state right up front that I am NOT a mum yet. I can not imagine all that you have gone through. My only comment is that you say that your kids are going to be raised with boundaries and rules. From my professional experience, the best indicator of future behavior is past performance. It doesn't sound like you are going to have any support from your DH. He will not support the rules and boundaries you set up. He doesn't with his stepson and he won't with your two. He hasn't shown respect for you in front of is impressionable son and he hasn't backed you up with his family. This is not going to change when both boys are home. It is probably going to get worse. Simply put, your DH isn't going to change unless he has a reason to. Right now, he doesn't have a reason. Your DH and His family are going to treat your boys the same way as your stepson is treated/raised. These situations rarely change unless there is a major intervention. Good Luck.
Karen
mom to be of BBB triplets
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lovemy5boys
Sun May-11-08 11:06 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
698 posts
#348668, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 8
Sun May-11-08 11:13 PM by lovemy5boys
Never mind, all I'm going to say is:
Where are you located? We have an amazing therapist that specializes in attachment therapy in our area. Maybe I can help you find someone like that in your area.
I'm serious. If you want I'll help you. I know how hard it is to form a bond with a child you don't feel connected to.
proud mom to
DS 6
DS 3
BBB 9/29/06
www.juststopandthink.com
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Hennetrips
Sun May-11-08 07:26 PM
Member since Jul 18th 2005
549 posts
#348597, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 0
It sounds like you definitely need to sit your partner down and have some established ground rules with him first! That is the root of the problem here. Have you ever watched Nanny 911 or Super Nanny? She often brings that up....if parents can't agree on discipline and appropriate behavior then NOTHING will work. You need consistency in both love and discipline here. KWIM?
From my experience (we have 5 1/2 year old triplets and I've been around many children a lot including living with my sister's kids when they were little) 3 year old kids whine, behave like they are 1 at times and do act nasty (again at times). Heck, our 5 1/2 year old triplets will whine and cry and behave like that at times too. The difference is my husband and I have an established plan that they sit in time out if they behave that way. We don't put up with it. It just isn't acceptable behavior in our house. 3 is a tough age. They try to test the waters and see what they can get away with.
After reading your post I do feel sorry for this boy. It sounds like he is lacking positive attention. You chose to be in your partner's life. This little boy didn't choose to be born. I'm sure he's getting your "vibe" as well as his dad's, mom's and grandmother's vibe. Maybe he isn't feeling loved?
Maybe you and your partner should read some parenting books together. Like "Magic 1-2-3". There are several books on the market.
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3D Montana Mama
Sun May-11-08 07:58 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
595 posts
#348602, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 0
I apologize for saying anything at all to you. I knew I would regret it and I do. It is just that Justin was born in the same month and birth year as my little boys. It breaks my heart to think of my boys in Justin's situation.
On Mother's Day, I am incredibly sad for any child who does not have a mother to love him. If your mother doesn't love you, who will? If your mother isn't absolutely over-the-moon crazy in love with you, who will be? All children deserve to be loved like this by someone!
Cyntha
DS-7/99
BBB born 8/04 at 31 4/7 weeks
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NCtripmom
Sun May-11-08 08:11 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
445 posts
#348604, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 11
Cynthia,
Don't apologize for what you said. I think you hit the nail on the head.
All 3 of these boys need someone that loves them.
Feisty, I pray that you are a faker.
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feistylioness78
Sun May-11-08 08:22 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
500 posts
#348611, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 11
His mother did call today which is ironic since she hasn't called in awhile. When she does call she never asks about him. I am doing the best I can. I wasn't raised by loving parents and I am not a very touchy feely or highly affectionate person. His father loves him and I am trying to bond with him but it is hard. Its just sometimes I feel like people on here aren't looking at the big picture and judging me. I am sure his father would feel the same why if he was raising someone else's child who acted like his son does. Its easy for people to give advice when they are not dealing with the situation. I just wanted to be able enjoy mother's day without having to constantly tell someone to stop doing something. I turned my mother's day into a day of cleaning because what's the point no one recognizes or appreciates what I do anyway. His family should be thankful that someone is trying to be a mother to a difficult child. DH needs to grow and start acting his age as well. He throws fits too when he doesn't get his way. I don't see the boys being around grandma without me much anyway. She thinks Christian is too drugged to even act like a baby. DH calls him retarded and that just makes me mad. As does the comment I only have one normal son. When Brennan comes home she will have to come here to see the boys. I am on here for support not criticism.
Big brother Justin 8/04
Our little angel ^Alex Joseph^ 1.2 (11-4/11-5)
Brennan Matthew 1.3
Christian Jacob 2.4
Born 11/04/07
http://www.myspace.com/346442072
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NCtripmom
Sun May-11-08 08:29 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
445 posts
#348613, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 14
If my boyfriend called my child names he'd be out the door.
I really don't think you come here for real support, if you did then you'd heed some of our advice. What you want is sympathy and I'm sorry the only sympathy I have right now is for those boys.
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feistylioness78
Sun May-11-08 08:34 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
500 posts
#348616, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 15
DH has been told that if he doesn't change the way he treats me he will be out the door. He threatens to take Christian whom he doesn't really take care of unless I am not home. Things need to change before Brennan comes home.
Big brother Justin 8/04
Our little angel ^Alex Joseph^ 1.2 (11-4/11-5)
Brennan Matthew 1.3
Christian Jacob 2.4
Born 11/04/07
http://www.myspace.com/346442072
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4kds4me
Sun May-11-08 10:38 PM
Member since Mar 29th 2007
437 posts
#348660, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 14
If the father of my child EVER called his own flesh and blood "retarded" he would find his @ss sitting on the curb. That is simply unacceptable. Get yourself out, NOW!
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jonib
Sun May-11-08 08:14 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
853 posts
#348608, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 0
I said a long time ago I would not respond to your posts anymore because you never looked for solutions or took advice, you just made excuses.
Can't seem to help myself because I'm sitting here thinking that my son is a stepson to my husband...we've been married since he was almost 5 years old. I can't imagine him not loving him as much as I do...if he did not we would not be together....perhaps that is why you are not married..might be smart that if you have this much trouble with a 4 year old what will it be like when he's a teen?
Instead of playing the victim (as usual) stand up for this little boy and quit thinking about yourself...if his mother won't do it, and he is your charge, step up to the plate and be his mother...don't complain about a child being a child!
Happy Mothers Day to all the other mothers out there!!!!
Jonib
Abby, Andy and Caroline turned 2 Nov. 20th!
Rhett turns 10 12/15!
no, I can't get the lily pie to work
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feistylioness78
Sun May-11-08 08:31 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
500 posts
#348615, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 13
I love my sons. They don't talk back, throw excessive fits, and they are not disrespectful to me. I have also had them from an early age. There is nothing wrong with the fact that I have not bonded with Justin. I hope that as a teen he won't be having temper tantrums and will have learned to listen and respect me by then. Give me credit for trying. Playing the victim...whatever.
Big brother Justin 8/04
Our little angel ^Alex Joseph^ 1.2 (11-4/11-5)
Brennan Matthew 1.3
Christian Jacob 2.4
Born 11/04/07
http://www.myspace.com/346442072
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Missys3
Sun May-11-08 09:33 PM
Member since Feb 25th 2008
14 posts
#348635, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 16
I was not going to reply to this but...
"I love my sons. They don't talk back, throw excessive fits,
and they are not disrespectful to me. I have also had them
from an early age."
I got lost right here. Your sons are 6 months old right.
Have you ever been around a 4 year old. When I read about your DSS it sounds like most toddlers to me. If they don't get their way they pitch a fit. Have you ever just walked away? Tell him when he is finished he could come sit with you or watch a movie or something. If this is how he gets attention, don't give it to him then. After he is finished and has it out of his system then sit down and play/read with him or something. This really works. BUT you have to follow through and be there for him.
Also kids are a reflection of their parents ( you and DH) so maybe you might need to look at the example you and DH are setting for him.
I know I am going to wish I had never read this, much less posted but here goes.
Melissa
proud mom to Abbie, Andy & Levi
Melissa
mom to Abbie, Andy & Levi
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feistylioness78
Sun May-11-08 10:10 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
500 posts
#348651, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 23
I do timeouts and send him to his room if he doesn't stop throwing a fit but it doesn't really work. What would work is if he would listen to me the first time and not five times later. His father following through would also be nice as well.
Big brother Justin 8/04
Our little angel ^Alex Joseph^ 1.2 (11-4/11-5)
Brennan Matthew 1.3
Christian Jacob 2.4
Born 11/04/07
http://www.myspace.com/346442072
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Missys3
Sun May-11-08 10:28 PM
Member since Feb 25th 2008
14 posts
#348657, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 27
It REALLY REALLY sounds like you need to remember he is 4. Bottom line. He is acting like a 4 year old. The more attention you place on him acting like this, the more he is going to do it.
Examples
My 3 will stand and turn the light switch off and on if DH is home. They don't do this with me. DH gets all bent out of shape about this. As long as they don't short the switch out I could care less. They DO NOT do this when it is just me and them because I don't get upset about it.
DD gets mad because she is not getting her way I tell her when she gets finished with her "spell" we will be at the table coloring. The "spells" stoped soon after this.
You really need to step back and look at how you are acting with him. The madder you get and the louder you get the more you are throwing a fit just like him and you are not 4.
Also time outs DO NOT work with all children.
Melissa
mom to Abbie, Andy & Levi
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feistylioness78
Sun May-11-08 10:34 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
500 posts
#348658, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 31
I try to do different activities with him like coloring and he breaks the crayons. He is pretty destructive to at times. I will try to ignore his behavior more. I am going to start reading to him before bed and see how that goes. Thanks.
Big brother Justin 8/04
Our little angel ^Alex Joseph^ 1.2 (11-4/11-5)
Brennan Matthew 1.3
Christian Jacob 2.4
Born 11/04/07
http://www.myspace.com/346442072
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Missys3
Sun May-11-08 10:46 PM
Member since Feb 25th 2008
14 posts
#348663, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 32
"I try to do different activities with him like coloring and
he breaks the crayons. He is pretty destructive to at times."
Once again he is a 4 year old little boy! That goes with it.
I could handle the breaking of the crayons, if mine would just stop eating them.
Melissa
mom to Abbie, Andy & Levi
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feistylioness78
Sun May-11-08 11:09 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
500 posts
#348670, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 35
He doesn't eat them. He is not allowed to have markers for he decided to decorate one of my chairs.
Big brother Justin 8/04
Our little angel ^Alex Joseph^ 1.2 (11-4/11-5)
Brennan Matthew 1.3
Christian Jacob 2.4
Born 11/04/07
http://www.myspace.com/346442072
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MMM26
Mon May-12-08 12:02 AM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
1090 posts
#348685, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 40
Try the crayola color wonder markers, they dont write on anything but the paper you buy that goes with it.
www.rehkoptriplets.blogspot.com
BBG born @30w1d
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lovemy5boys
Sun May-11-08 11:20 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
698 posts
#348673, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 27
Sun May-11-08 11:23 PM by lovemy5boys
You need to have TIME-INs. When he's about to act up sit with him. Re-direct him and show him some affection. Children that struggle with attachment need time-ins NOT time- outs. If you PM me I can tell you more about it. I went through it.
proud mom to
DS 6
DS 3
BBB 9/29/06
www.juststopandthink.com
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kb6407
Sun May-11-08 08:41 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
96 posts
#348622, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 0
You complain about your DH almost all the time and you talk about leaving him but you never do. It's hard to provide sympathy when you are complaining about the same problems all of the time. If your dh is really the jerk you say he is why don't you leave him? It would be a much healthier environment for your sons and isn't that what is most important?
Kristen mom to Identical Girls
Meghan, Emily, and Kallie
born on January 12, 2007 at 31 weeks
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feistylioness78
Sun May-11-08 08:45 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
500 posts
#348624, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 20
Its something that I do consider but I am hoping he will change. When I tell him to leave he says he is taking Christian. Then he tries to pull a guilt trip because I will be kicking a 4 year old out on the street. We have our good days and our bad. Our fights usually revolve around Justin's behavior and his not helping me improve it. Justin figures if daddy doesn't have to listen neither does he.
Big brother Justin 8/04
Our little angel ^Alex Joseph^ 1.2 (11-4/11-5)
Brennan Matthew 1.3
Christian Jacob 2.4
Born 11/04/07
http://www.myspace.com/346442072
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MMM26
Sun May-11-08 08:51 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
1090 posts
#348627, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 0
What specifically is he having temper tantrums about? Is he bored and just acting out? Children at this age act out when bored, not getting enough one on one attention and when they can feel stressful situations. Not to mention all the emotional issues that he has due to his abondonment from his mother. I was just curious what types of tantrums he is having and how you are handling them. I have worked with a lot of children with behavior issues, that is why i am asking.
www.rehkoptriplets.blogspot.com
BBG born @30w1d
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feistylioness78
Sun May-11-08 10:18 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
500 posts
#348654, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 22
His fits depends the worst ones are when he id fixated on something. Like he wants to wear a particular jacket but it is too hot for it. I think he has a little OCD. Sometimes it is because he is told no he can't have this or do that. The bad ones he screams and kicks. Sometimes they revolve around when he is put in time out he doesn't like time out so you would think he would get that when he misbehaves he goes to TO. When his fits are really bad he goes to his room until he calms down. Today he fell asleep. There are times where he never calms down for quite awhile. Please give me some advice. Dad usually gives in which means there will be another fit. Its frustrating.
Big brother Justin 8/04
Our little angel ^Alex Joseph^ 1.2 (11-4/11-5)
Brennan Matthew 1.3
Christian Jacob 2.4
Born 11/04/07
http://www.myspace.com/346442072
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Missys3
Sun May-11-08 11:05 PM
Member since Feb 25th 2008
14 posts
#348667, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 29
Like he wants to wear a particular jacket but it is
too hot for it. Let him wear it - he will be the one who is hot.
It sounds like you need to pick your battles.
Back up and look at what you are getting up set about. Is it really worth it. If it is not hurting him or anything/one else, is it worth it to fight with a 4 year old. He will lose interest if you don't keep reminding him of what ever it is.
Also he is of the male sex... I think they get he programed to not hear anything untill the 10/15 time you say it. At least my DH and DS's are this way.
Melissa
mom to Abbie, Andy & Levi
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Mom23in2003
Sun May-11-08 11:13 PM
Member since Jul 18th 2005
1064 posts
#348671, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 29
Why would you fight a battle with a child on wearing a coat that is too warm? I would not spend 5 seconds on that. If one of my boys insisted on wearing a coat he'd be hot in, I would tell him it's too warm for that and if he insisted, I would say fine. He'd learn far more from being uncomfortably hot because of a poor choice he made than he would from listening to my reasoning. And next time he'd make a better choice.
Maybe you should focus on things he can do instead of things he can't if he's getting so frustrated. If he wants something he can't have for whatever reason, tell him "I'm sorry, you can't have whatever right now because of whatever. But instead you can have this or that. Which one do you want?" Let him have an alternative and a choice. If he throws a fit, ignore it the best you can. Temper tantrums are useless if nobody pays attention to them. Maybe try rewarding him for good behavior and not focusing so much on punishing the bad. Give him a sticker every time he does something good and when he gets 10 stickers, or whatever, give him some type of reward. A kid who is that passionate that he throws huge fits is probably passionate enough to work hard to please you too. He's obviously just learned that negative actions are the only actions that get him the attention he needs.
My boys are four and they still throw temper tantrums. They still don't have great listening skills. It's hard work and it's up to YOU to figure out how to properly discipline him because they don't come pre-programmed to listen the first time and behave like angels. I find I get the best response out of my kids when I'm positive, when I'm engaged with them, when I offer a lot of praise for good behavior, when I give them responsibilities that build up their pride and confidence, when I show them tons of love, and when I'm consistent and matter-of-fact with discipline but not negative. When I'm tired and don't work at it, their behavior reflects that. But when I put forth the effort and when I try to be positive, they'll jump over the moon to make me proud of them and to praise them. They'll work far harder to make me happy than they will to throw a fit.
As for your boyfriend, he sounds like a real winner. I think if it were me, I'd take all the kids and leave, but I don't get the feeling you care enough about Justin to do that. So he's the big loser in all this. It really almost seems like he'd be better off in foster care. Unfortunately, your boyfriend is going to model this type of disrespect for all your children, and they will grow up not only not respecting you, but not respecting their future wives or girlfriends. And the cycle continues!
Kristen
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feistylioness78
Sun May-11-08 11:24 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
500 posts
#348676, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 41
First of all I can't take the kids and leave because this is my condo. I try the you can do this or do this but that doesn't seem to work either. I have tried a lot of things hence the frustration and I can't take Justin away either I don't have legal rights. If I let him wear the jacket then he gets his way and then he is more likely to throw a fit next time. He has to stop throwing a fit before he gets what he wants or he doesn't get it.
Big brother Justin 8/04
Our little angel ^Alex Joseph^ 1.2 (11-4/11-5)
Brennan Matthew 1.3
Christian Jacob 2.4
Born 11/04/07
http://www.myspace.com/346442072
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Mom23in2003
Sun May-11-08 11:37 PM
Member since Jul 18th 2005
1064 posts
#348680, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 44
Have you tried things consistently? Have you done these things for several weeks even if at first it doesn't seem to do any good? Forgive me for pointing out that you do seem to have a defeatist attitude about a lot of things, so it doesn't seem to be that far of a stretch to imagine that you try something one or two times and it doesn't work so you give up. His behavior didn't get bad overnight and it's not going to get better overnight either.
I disagree that letting him wear the coat he wants is giving in. I see it as a chance to let him learn a lesson borne of his own choice. But maybe we'll just disagree on that one.
You are the only one in this whole dynamic that has any ability to change what's going on, so you're going to have to figure out how to change it. People are giving you suggestions. It's all up to you to figure something out. Things aren't going to magically get better on their own.
Best of luck.
Kristen
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feistylioness78
Sun May-11-08 11:40 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
500 posts
#348682, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 45
Sun May-11-08 11:41 PM by feistylioness78
I am consistent dad isn't and he had a tremendous fit over the jacket hence reason I did not give in. He also needs to learn that he can't always have what he wants. He gets choices. IF he doesn't choose then we choose it for him.
Big brother Justin 8/04
Our little angel ^Alex Joseph^ 1.2 (11-4/11-5)
Brennan Matthew 1.3
Christian Jacob 2.4
Born 11/04/07
http://www.myspace.com/346442072
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Tasha
Mon May-12-08 08:11 AM
Member since Jul 18th 2005
1665 posts
#348711, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 46
Oh dear lord you are just stuck aren't you. I bet he just grabbed the jacket and started screaming automatically before anything was said to him. Threw himself on the ground and started screaming and having a tantrum for no reason at all over the jacket and then of course after that you just HAD to say no.
No, more likely he got the jacket. You said no it was to hot. He said yes. You said now again more strongly. Back and forth a few times then temper ensued. What these ladies were saying is YOU started the temper tantrum unnessarily not Justin. If you would have let him take the jacket in the first place instead of standing your ground on something so silly. What did it matter? Hell I let my kids wear snow boots in the middle of the summer, spring jacket when it is snowing. It only really takes once and they learn. Well the boots were just a fashion statement. But let them be cold or hot. You can TELL them but it won't ring true until they feel it anyway. He can take the stupid coat off.
As many have said pick your battles. He is only 4.
And as for your original post why is Grandma anymore responsible for Justin? She isn't his parent? How is she ruining your mothers day? What makes her have to take this child other than her desire to see him? She is the grandmother not the default parent because mom ran out. Any help she wants to do because she loves him I am sure is appreciated but she has no responsibility to take him to give you your mothers day.
And Mother's day isn't a day off. It isn't a kids free do nothing day. I don't know where that is written anywhere. I want my kids around me on mother's day. It is MOTHER'S day. A day about being a mother. Makes sense to me to be WITH my kids doing motherly stuff. I got some pampering, got a nap and take out for dinner so I didn't have to cook. Nothing fancy, but gave us more time for board games together.
And before you say "this isn't my son" if you are planning on marrying this guy and being a member of this family then it is time you start treating his son like it. Sure you haven't bonded with him. The way you talk about him how could you? You haven't bonded with him, not because of him because of YOU. You resent him. It is obvious in your words. You have no desire to bond with him. Until you accept him as a child for who he is, flaws and all, you will never be able to bond with him. You need to quit blaming the child for imposing on your life and start acting like the parent you want to become. otherwise you need to step out of that family before you cause more damage to this little boy. He already had a mother abandon him. He doesn't need a heartless step mom. Let his father move on and find a woman who can step up and take on the motherly roll properly while the child still has a chance.
Tasha
Julia, Megan and Alex 7/00
Abby 12/02
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ejhjbh
Mon May-12-08 08:18 AM
Member since May 12th 2008
2 posts
#348713, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 52
Well said Tasha!!!!!!
Mother of an "Angel" 11/5/1999-11/6/1999
Proud of My 3 Sons;
Andy...11/1997
Tony....11/1999
Mike....4/2003
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LolasLadies
Sun May-11-08 09:40 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
736 posts
#348637, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 0
I have a feeling the only attention Justin is getting is negative attention. Just act interested in spending time with him. This will be good practice for raising your "true" children...
Either you're going to try to raise this child as your own or you aren't. If you are, you need to embrace him and his flaws. This also means that you need to quit blaming your boyfriend and his mom for everything. Is that getting you anywhere? No. Try something else. It's pretty obvious that you don't truly care about Justin and that you're taking care of him because he was forced on you. Don't half-a$$ parent. At least fake that you care.
I'm tired of hearing how everyone else is ruining your life. There are other families on TC who have been through hell and yet you are the only one who posts constant negativity and has rejected every piece of advice, friendly or not.
Lola's GGG 28-weekers
Alison 2.3 Emma 2.2 Kristin 1.11
The world's least triplet-related triplet blog: http://sweetenedtaters.blogspot.com
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3petes
Sun May-11-08 09:46 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
977 posts
#348641, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 24
Loren,
It reminds you of the saying "the definition of insanity, is repeating the same behavior over and over again, and expecting different results."
I feel like that is what we are all doing RIGHT NOW (LOL). Oh, and Feisty is doing it too, with her entire outlook on life. Sorry to change the subject Feisty. Back to you ~ enough about us, or Justin, or anyone that is NOT YOU!!!
Jamye
Love my GGG ~
21 months old.....and counting
Born on 08/07/06
http://www.babysites.com/sites/3petes/
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LolasLadies
Sun May-11-08 09:57 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
736 posts
#348647, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 25
EXACTLY!!!
Lola's GGG 28-weekers
Alison 2.3 Emma 2.2 Kristin 1.11
The world's least triplet-related triplet blog: http://sweetenedtaters.blogspot.com
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Megan Welfare
Sun May-11-08 10:13 PM
Member since Jul 18th 2005
4340 posts
#348652, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 26
I am finding 3 to be a very challenging age, and I am assuming that Justin is going through this same stage.
What I have found that seems to be helpful for temper tantrums - they are pointless without an audience, and if they don't cause some emotional reaction from you. So either walk away, and send him to his room until he feels better. Whatever you do, don't yell or let him see that you are upset in any way. Say calmly and sincerely "I'm sorry you are so upset. It looks like you need a little time alone to feel better."
As for respect, it is taught by example, not verbal instruction. Be sure that you are speaking to him the way you want to be spoken to. "Justin, please come to the dinner table and sit down."
When he speaks rudely to you, be sure you gently tell him the right way to ask instead of just fussing at him. "Justin, that tone of voice is not acceptable. Instead, say "may I have more milk please?" Be sure that you are demonstrating the tone you want him to use.
Gentle and loving but firm is what this child needs. I would completely cut out all yelling and spanking with him. If you tell him to come here and he doesn't do it, just get up, go get a firm hold of his upper arm, and walk him firmly over to where you were. "Justin, when I ask you to come, I need you to do it immediately. Say, "yes ma'am"." If he does not answer appropriately, you have to practice.
This little fellow sounds like he needs lots of praise and responsibility. Ask him to do small tasks, and reward him with your facial expression, words and hugs every single time he does something good. "Justin would you mind handing me a diaper? Thank you so much sweetie - what would I do without you?" Kiss on top of the head. When he doesn't do what you specifically ask, you need to hop up right then and go walk him through exactly what you wanted. Help him to obey.
BGG born 4/25/05 at 31w1d
New baby girl born 9/19/06
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feistylioness78
Sun May-11-08 10:27 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
500 posts
#348656, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 28
Sun May-11-08 10:32 PM by feistylioness78
I will try that. What many of you are failing to recognize is that is family does not help out as much as they should. His Aunt was supposed to watch him when the boys were getting their surgeries and the day after but she had a bad day and was not in a nice place as grandma put it. Well excuse me we weren't exactly in a good place either. Both our babies had surgeries and she said she would watch him. They never call to check up on the any of the boys. My family isn't in the picture at all. I don't spank him for I know it doesn't work and I only raise my voice when he ignores the fact that I just told him to stop doing something 10 times. I am hoping his behavior will improve when he gets into school. Of course his dad still hasn't called to get him enrolled and I am not going to do it because that is not my responsibility and I can't do it anyway I am not his legal guardian. I had to call to get insurance information for him too. The family needs to take some responsibility it shouldn't fall all onto me. I do everything for Christian too. DH has never taken him to the dr or ever called to check on Brennan. I am doing the best with the situation I have. I don't reject everything either. My whole life has been a roller coaster and it hasn't stopped. I more going on than anyone could really know. I am still dealing with issues with my mother and her crap.
Big brother Justin 8/04
Our little angel ^Alex Joseph^ 1.2 (11-4/11-5)
Brennan Matthew 1.3
Christian Jacob 2.4
Born 11/04/07
http://www.myspace.com/346442072
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Missys3
Sun May-11-08 10:38 PM
Member since Feb 25th 2008
14 posts
#348661, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 30
Did you know about Justin when you moved in with DH. They came as a set. Or that is the way it is with most step children.
Also QUIT relying on "his" family. Get a babysitter for a few hours. Or carry him with you, make him feel like he is a part of the family, NOT the STEP-KID.
Melissa
mom to Abbie, Andy & Levi
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feistylioness78
Sun May-11-08 11:07 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
500 posts
#348669, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 34
He is too heavy to carry. And yes I knew about him but I did expect his family to make me take care of him after two months. Things were different in the beginning he didn't behave this way. I can't take him and the baby out by myself because he acts up and I can't chase him down like I us to. Yesterday was the first time I took both of them out by myself but I had my friend to help. Things will get a little better when respite kicks in so we can get out. Parents need me time too. I just want to get Justin under control so it will be a little easier once Brennan comes home.
Big brother Justin 8/04
Our little angel ^Alex Joseph^ 1.2 (11-4/11-5)
Brennan Matthew 1.3
Christian Jacob 2.4
Born 11/04/07
http://www.myspace.com/346442072
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NCtripmom
Mon May-12-08 07:01 AM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
445 posts
#348700, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 39
ARE YOU FREIKING KIDDING ME? He is too heavy to carry? She didn't mean to literally carry him with you - make him walk himself. But TAKE him with you - show this kid some love.
You really need to grow a pair and step up. Quit wallowing in your own misery and shooting down every piece of advice the members are giving you.
You keep saying we don't see the big picture about his family not helping you. You need to stop looking for others to help you and HELP YOURSELF!
You cannot go through life waiting to see what others are going to do for you. You have to be willing to do things for yourself - for your kids and for Justin.
You have your own bio son lying in a hospital w/ OTHERS taking care of him while you sit online and bitch and moan about this dude, that you aren't even married to, and his family.
Either accept the fact that Justin is going to be in your care and your BOYFRIEND isn't going to be a father or kick his sorry ass to the curb. Don't let him use YOUR son as a pawn. If you have to get the police involved. Cause I'll be honest, the only way someone is going to take one of my kids away is over my dead body.
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MSTAR
Sun May-11-08 10:57 PM
Member since Jul 18th 2005
1592 posts
#348665, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 0
Children misbehave for a reason.
1. They are ignored. When's the last time you sat down on the floor and played a game with him? When's the last time you read him a book? When's the last time you told him that he did something really great?
2. They are bored. When's the last time you took him to the park? When's the last time he went to the store or the mall with you? When's the last time he had a playdate? When's the last time he went outside all morning and ran until he couldn't run anymore? When's the last time he was in a fun activity? What are YOU doing to provide him with a fun and stimulating environment?
3. They are fed crap all day. When's the last time he ate a healthy meal or do you load him up on processed sugary crap all day and expect him to behave?
4. They don't get enough sleep. When's the last time you made sure he was getting the correct hours of sleep for his age? Do you even know what the correct hours of sleep are for his age? Do you care?
5. They are unloved. When's the last time you gave him a hug and a kiss for absolutely NO reason?
I would bet that I could take that child tomorrow and he'd be a different child in a month. I don't think you care to find out what's bothering him, but rather you'd just like to complain about how much you hate him. He is not the root of all your problems. YOU are the root of all your problems.
Do the kid a favor and find the number to Child Find in California. Call it and get him in for a free evaluation through the school district. With any luck, he'll qualify for free preschool and he'll be out of your hair and in a much better environment during the day than you are providing him. Then you'll have to find a different reason for all your problems and not blame this poor little boy.
Michele
Sarah, Gregory, Amanda
born 1/22/04 at 35w1d
Our surprise baby Austin born 06/15/2005
www.fourtimesthefun.blogspot.com
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feistylioness78
Sun May-11-08 11:20 PM
Member since Nov 05th 2007
500 posts
#348672, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 36
Never said I hated him I hate his behavior that is different. He gets plenty of sleep at night I don't allow him to have sugar or junk. He gets that from dad and grandma. I am not a hugger and a kisser never got that from my family but I am working on it. I tell him when he does good. I don't like taking him out by myself to the store because he misbehaves. He went with dad the other day. We take him to the park and we have to chase him down to leave so that is usually out. He had a playdate yesterday and does usually once a week. We live in condo so going outside is often not a option. I read him a book tonite. A lot of my stress and our relationship issues do revolve around him and the rest is the other things we are dealing with. Thanks for the info so we can get hi into preschool.
Big brother Justin 8/04
Our little angel ^Alex Joseph^ 1.2 (11-4/11-5)
Brennan Matthew 1.3
Christian Jacob 2.4
Born 11/04/07
http://www.myspace.com/346442072
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kylamel
Mon May-12-08 04:53 AM
Member since Jul 18th 2005
1848 posts
#348692, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 42
Mon May-12-08 04:54 AM by kylamel
"I am not a hugger and a kisser never got that from my family but I am working on it."
Did you wants hugs as a kid? Did you want kisses and love as a kid? That is probably what this boy is craving.
"I don't like taking him out by myself to the store because he misbehaves."
Oh.. get out! Offer him rewards for good behavior. And p.s., not unlike any average child (even my 11 yr old misbehaves when we go out sometimes)
"We take him to the park and we have to chase him down to leave so that is usually out"
You clearly have NO CLUE about children. Of course he is not going to want to leave the park. Especially if he rarely goes. He is a KID!!!
"We live in condo so going outside is often not a option"
Do your condos not have common grounds? LAME excuse as usual.
Melanie
BGB born at 32 weeks in 2005
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ejhjbh
Mon May-12-08 06:46 AM
Member since May 12th 2008
2 posts
#348696, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 0
I have read your posts in the past and I must agree with others on this one. YOU do nothing but "piss and moan" about your step-son, & significant other. I feel very bad for the little boy, because all he needs is a some TLC and you have refused to give it to him because he is NOT YOURS.
Do you know that this site is suppose to be used share our happiness with each other and help each other in difficult times, not for people like you who make us "real" mothers feel angry and get our blood boiling.
Let me ask you this.....Why did you get get pregnant in the first place and get involved with a man who has another child if you cannot love his as your own.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
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lsmiller
Mon May-12-08 07:52 AM
Member since Jul 18th 2005
634 posts
#348706, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 0
Mon May-12-08 07:56 AM by lsmiller
It sounds like you and your significant other could use some counseling. Many behavioral problems with children are a direct result of the household dynamics.
Do you guys fight a lot? Do you both agree on how he should be disciplined (we already know that answer)? Does he overhear you complaining about him and how 'others' should be taking care of him? Do either one of you ever get on the floor and play with him so he gets some attention - rather then only getting attention when he is bad?.
We have all had some issues with our kids - me included. I found that my DH and I being on the same page about discipline and NOT bringing it up in front of the children has made a HUGE difference. I also have a son who, if he doesn't get enough attention for no reason at all, will start to act out because that is one way he definitely gets attention.
Your step-son is still a little guy - he is only reacting to the environment around him. You stated in one of your replies that 'he was not like this when he first got here'. That in itself should tell you that there is something going on in his current environment that is causing these outbursts. If you plan to stay with your boyfriend and Justin is going to continue to be a part of your life then to H$#ll with his family and start treating him like he were your own child. Make him feel loved. Give him some individual attention just for being him. It doesn't take long with kids. Spending 15 minutes on the floor playing with him (even if it is just driving toy cars around the floor) can make a huge difference over time. Don't complain about him when he is anywhere he can hear you. If you have to discuss him with your boyfriend - do it outside where he can't hear. Think about how you would feel if you were forced to be somewhere and felt you weren't wanted? Wouldn't you be angry? Kids act out when they are angry. Kids act out when they need attention.
There are tons of on-line sites that offer help for step parents and their unique situations.
I understand your situation. I married a man who had 2 children from a previous marriage. One of whom lived with us right after we got married. Granted he was older - but he was in trouble with the law and and problems with drugs and the mother didn't want anything to do with it. We all survived and he is now doing very well. His daughter had her first baby at 17 who I helped take care of. I also lost one of my triplets as an infant. So, I understand the stress of losing a baby and taking care of step kids.
You and your boyfriend need to get on the same page and resolve your own issues so you can both take care of Justin. That little boy needs to be someplace where he feels like he belongs and feels like he is loved - by everyone involved in his care.
Laraine
Mom to one beautiful Angel - Alexandra Whitney (7/28/03 - 7/31/03)
and two wonderful boys
Brian James & Charles Vincent 7/28/03 34wks4days
http://www.brianandcharlie.com/
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mw
Mon May-12-08 08:22 AM
Member since Jul 18th 2005
3280 posts
#348714, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 0
Mon May-12-08 08:23 AM by mw
"Get Justin under control..."
The translation of this is that you want to "break" this child. You want him to conform to your will. You want him to be a simpiring little boy that will sit quietly in the corner, not speak, not play, not make, a mess, not have an opinion, basically not be a child.
Why do you feel this need to control him - right down to not allowing him to wear his coat - are you for real? You allowing him to wear his coat is different than giving in to a gallon of ice cream or buying a toy at the store. It is OK for a parent to change their mind, for example, "You know Justin, I changed my mind, I think it's too warm for that coat but if you want to wear it go ahead."
We have all had situations where we get into headstrong battles with our toddler/preschoolers and find ourselves asking, "am I really fighting over this?" He is a child, you are an adult - there is NO victory in breaking him.
You do not respond to anyone who has asked if you ever get on the floor and play with him.
You say that you will try to start reading to him at bedtime - that leaves me to assume you are not spending much time reading to him now.
I do understand not being comfortable going outside if he runs from you. Try timers. They worked wonders when my children were little. The timer stopped many fights - Ok kids we are leaving in five minutes, the timer will beep - then you are not the bad guy, the timer is. You can buy a portable one for the park.
You continually say that no one understands your position. Stop It! Seriously, stop it. Too many of us have buried children. There are many members here who have children with very challenging behavior problems not to mention true special needs.
You won't call for school bc it is not your responsibility - what is your responsibility? Someone needs to step up for Justin.
You are raising your children to be respectful - how has a six month old demonstrated disrespect?
You didn't get enough hugs as a child and you are working on that - what? Hug this child - sit with this child - read to this child - demonstrate any aspect of affection for this child.
You want so much sympathy - and you've received that - you have received so much good intentioned wonderful advice - stop telling everyone why none of it will work for you and try it. If you are not going to try it than stop posting.
Please get him in school - I know it is not your responsibility but it would help YOU. He would be taught behavior skills from someone else and you could learn to utilize discipline they use in the classroom.
From what I can tell you've done no reading or research on parenting techniques - you are young (or so you seem) and you are flying by the seat of your pants trying to discipline a child that you continually point out is not your own - please do not suggest you are raising him, from what I can tell you are babysitting him - get help - get him in school - stop blaming others for your situation.
Marie
Edited to add - you mention that Justin's mom called and didn't even ask to talk to him - so why did she call?
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ejhjbh
Mon May-12-08 08:47 AM
Member since May 12th 2008
3 posts
#348717, "RE: Mother's day vent"
In response to Reply # 54
Why are we arguing with this "so-called mom" This is what is in your "blog" & may I quote you :"We are proud parents of three boys and one angel. Our Triplets were born on 11/4/07 at 26.5 weeks. We meet in April of 07 and hit it off right away. We found out we were pregnant in May".
By the way, if you are NOT MARRIED to this man PLEASE STOP REFERRING to him as your DH.
3 BOYS and 1 Angel. So, do you consider Justin a son?
Better change it to this: "Proud parent of 2 boys and 1 Angel"
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